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November 9th, 2004

10:11 am - me?
lol i love taking those silly quizzes online...i suppose this one wasnt that far off...

Your Beauty lies in Plain Sight. Plain, simple and the girl next door. People tend overlook you as you are the "normal girl", but you're actually very beautiful. And you have plenty about you to set you apart, but more that lets you blend. People love the stability you have because as others may come and go, you will always be there and you may always be the same. You like simple things and that's what people like about you. You most likely enjoy things most consider normal, like movies, shopping, that sort of thing and are very friendly and probably have many friends. You are sweet and kind and that shows on you, but you're also strong and not very naive. You're a rather well-rounded individual. Even though some people pass you off as just another girl, shrug it off because they don't know what they're missing.

Some Things That Represent You:

Element: Earth, Light; Animal: Cat; Color: Pinks, Blues, Browns; Song: Girl Next Door by Pilot Expression: Simple Smile; Gemstone: Alexandrite; Mythological Creature: Fox Demon, Hobbit; Sign: Tauros Planet: Jupiter; Hair Color: Light Brown; Eye Color: Brown (hmm well blue is better but eh)

Quote: "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."

so last night was an interesting night. while i sat here and talked to rob for a really long time, michelle harassed poor pat, who was high off his ass anyways. i think the damage will be eternal for pat... rob was a suprise. not only was he genuinely interested in our conversation, he was pretty honest with me too. so honest that when the whole sex subjuect came up i actually didnt mind talking about it. the guy was really cool. so minus my biggest dumbass moment of not taking the right pills for a week which resulted in my extreme nausea yesterday afternoon, my day was pretty excellent yesterday. now if only today gets better because my alarm not going off in time for class does not indicate a good start to me...
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful

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November 5th, 2004

04:00 pm - Catching up
so because i went home to vote on tues, it definately does not feel like thursday already. not that im complaining mind you, i love being home in my own bed. im a lil nervous about going home though. ever since my lapse of insanity tues night, i find myself getting angrier and angrier whenever i think about chris. i mean i would have gone to the moon for him and he treated me so horribly. i honestly thought that he was special and that he cared about me. even though he swears he did, and still does, i dont believe him. i dont believe anything when it comes to him anymore. i guess thats good because now i couldnt care less about the past and i really am looking forward to whatever is ahead of me. my problem before was that despite it all i couldnt hate him, but now i can. i really can. i almost wish that he has a life of hell ahead of him because he will never find anyone as good as me.

im wicked excited- i talked to brian for the 1st time in awhile the other night. i miss the kid a lot. he was one of the only ones who didnt judge me because i had grown and changed, leaving behind that scared, geeky, little girl i was in canaan to become who i am today. he thought that i was cool and liked me for me. its so awesome to be able to say that ive know this kid since we were 3. how many people do you still talk to that you've known for that long? i wish i still talked to more of them, but its a 2 way street. i dont see any of them trying either.

alright so tomorrow i have class til 11, lunch, then home for work at 6. oh yeah and that reminds me, i talked to julia last night too which made me happy. we made plans for next friday night. i'll go to work or have sammie work for me, then go to boston for fri night and sat day. it should be awesome. alright im out and about for now...
Current Mood: happyhappy

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November 3rd, 2004

03:22 pm - skillfully avoiding the life
ok quick lil survey, fill it out bitches cuz i know you love me :)

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Have we ever had sex?
33. Do you miss me?
34. Do you think i miss you?
33. Are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what I say about you?

today was a lot easier than i thought it might be. after getting yelled at by serveral people last night for my unwillingness to give up chris until i had some closure, i got kinda mellow. my dreams unfortunately were hell, as im sure they might be for awhile, but today wasnt so bad. i did start to replay the scence in my head a few times before snapping back to reality in some classes, but i didnt do so bad for me. im really glad that i did it, even though it stings pretty much a whole lot now. i also refuse to let myself fall into that whole depressing 'well if chris doesnt want me then no one else will' frame of mind because not only do i know that its crap, i also know that i am better than that. perhaps i was stupid like that before, but not now. now i can only say 'thank you for making me see, just how very wrong you are for me', and move on. i do have regrets, but none like he'll have one day. i was one of the best things he had but he threw it away- his loss, my heart.

ok ok enough procrastinating for now, back to the hw....
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative

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November 2nd, 2004

07:11 pm - voicing my what?
today has been one of the most confusing and emotionally up and down days of my life. ever since the halloween party on sunday, i knew that i couldnt go much longer without seeing chris and talking to him. i knew that for my own piece of mind i needed to tell him things and ask him things. i just needed to figure out when i could do that. today was that day.

i took one of the biggest gambles of my life when i decided to drive to chris' house tonight and wait for him to come home from work. i had no idea when he'd be back, if at all, that night, and i honestly never thought that 5 minutes after i had parked would he drive in and see me. i almost fainted. but instead of fainting, i got out of the car and walked over as he was pulling his car up beside me. he unlocked the door and i got in. he said hi, and i couldnt help it, i dived for his arms. it had just been such a long time and i just wanted to remember what it felt like when he held me. how safe i used to feel. we were both kinda in shock that i was there and the whole heaviness of it all. he asked me what was up and i said, 'its been 2 1/2 months chris, what happened?'. he then had to reply nice and quietly, 'i know how long its been, i know exactly how long its been,' which of course could mean a whole lot, but mostly that he at least remembered i existed. a good sign.

so there i was, shaking like a leaf, sitting next to the guy i had unintentionally fallen in love with a few months back, and i really didnt know what to say. rare huh? i must have acted that exact convo in my head, what i wanted to say to him when i finally got a chance, about a million times before. but there i was with my mind drawing a blank. we shot the shit off and on between serious questions, but mostly the air was so tense and uncomfortable that it was distracting. he said some things that i needed to hear, both for my own good and to ease my mind, but there are still many things i wish i had answered. my whole point with him was simple- if the red sox can win the world series then why cant we be in eachother's lives? he agreed and said he wished we were friends. i told him i needed him in my life and he was quite suprised. he said he didnt realize that i meant that much to him. then it got into the whole embarassing part for me when he said that he was scared to call me because he knew that i loved him but that he didnt have the time or want for that type of relationship. the age thing was just too big a deal for him. i said that i knew that and i understood- hell i knew it back in august when we became 'just friends' again. so there we sat, talking in circles.

finally there was just nothing left to do. i had to let him go inside and get back to his life, after of course making him promise to stay in mine. he hugged me goodbye and i asked him to kiss me. i dont know why but i did. he went to kiss me, but backed off. he said he just couldnt do it, i asked why, and he said just cuz. he kissed my cheek and practically ran upstairs. i went back to my car and only then did i start to cry a bit. i was then hit with a zillion emotions. i wanted to laugh, to cry, to sceam, to hit something- i dont know, i was just so confused. i called both michelle and sammie, and of course just because i need someone they're busy, lol, just my luck. but i got through it and im ok. i drove back in a daze, thinking things through. i feel uneven but at least i finally have some loose ends tied up.

so here i sit, trying not to replay everything as it does sting a bit, telling myself to just be happy i didnt sleep with him. oh yeah the worst part- that great night we had together, the one i cant get off my mind, he barely remembers it... oh life's little ironies...

oh yeah and i voted for kerry today, hope he beats that dumbass bush...
Current Mood: draineddrained

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October 25th, 2004

07:03 pm - frustrating
this weekend went by way too fast...

friday i found myself at work until almost close along with jenn because somehow we ALWAYS end up staying late and lending a hand. now i was supposed to be 2nd off and jenn 3rd, and yet becky, who thinks the sun shines out of her ass, was 4th off and left 1 1/2 hours before us...now tell me how that works? anyways it wasnt all that busy but i managed to pull in a tidy sum, which i handed almost directly to mom, so not that bad i guess.

saturday was a good day. shannon and i finally were able to hang out so we spent the day together. we went to friendly's for lunch, then over to milford for this street fair that mom and dad were at, but we didnt figure in how cold it would be so we were freezing and had to go shopping instead- shucks... :) i had to work for 5:30, so shan and i went to my house, got my crap for work, then headed over to brooks. i really did have to refill a perscription, but mostly i just really wanted to see jonathan. it had been awhile since i had last seen him and i do ocassionally think about the guy. he was so cute standing there grinning the whole time we chatted for a bit. then he hugged me good bye cuz i had to go to work, and yeah he smelled really good. now if only he would grow his hair out a bit and shave like he used to before and he'd be hot again...

work kinda sucked, but i did get to wear both my hat all night and my ortiz shirt when the game started. i was kinda hoping there'd be no kareokee so we could watch the game, but low and behold, a whole mess of people came in just for it. the people were like hicks from burriville, but they kept throwing money at me and one of the guys said i looked hot in my sox stuff, so not bad. especially cuz they kept going to the bar and i didnt have to do much. it was well worth my lack of effort, however i did manage to spill a bud lite all over myself and not notice cuz im a tool like that.

joe came in too, which is always good and bad. it was good cuz i REALLY wanted to see him, but bad because since he did come in, i did actually get to tell him what was on my mind. so when joe was getting ready to leave i asked him how chris was. i knew i shouldnt have, but i had to. its been on my mind for so long. joe looked at me and i knew that he would tell me the truth. he said that chris was doing ok. that he hadnt really hung out with him much, that today was the 1st time in like a month, but that he was ok. then i told joe that i really would like to see him and joe was like you should hit him upside the head. and i said i know and i will, but that i needed to see him. that i needed to say goodbye at least. and of course that set off the tears and joe hugged me and told me i wasnt allowed to get upset in front of him and to think of funny things like him and me in a hotel room. so of course i laughed and he kissed my forehead and said he'd see me later. joe is such a good big brother. but i know that if he sees chris he'll get him to come see me, which was what i wanted from the whole convo. that and i needed to know he was ok. after all the shit i still care about him...

so today i went job hunting. no such luck, although i did manage to almost get lost in new bedford. that place is scary at night, let me tell you. of course i did it alone because whenever i need errands done everyone is busy and doesnt feel like coming, but if they want company or someone else does they're up and running. sometimes i wonder if i even have any friends out here. it feels like i just get used and im kinda sick of it. it makes me really angry actually, but whatever. one day theyll want my help and ill just have to be busy. so fuck that. besides, if i ever need a real friend, i know ive got them and where to find them, even if its not here.

ok im done bitching for now...more later...
Current Mood: crankycranky

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October 21st, 2004

07:54 pm - cleaning up the life
so tonight i decided that not only will squishy get his usual bath, but that it was time for a lil room rearranging and cleaning. i know, suprised huh? im awfully proud of myself. i went thru and got rid of the rest of my summer clothes to be brought home, organized my books and closet, and made more room. next is the desk after this short intermission.

oh while i was cleaning, i found this poem i wrote dated 11/19/? ... it's cute, here it goes:

so here i sit, with my pen,
wondering if, i'll ever see you again
i saw you first, a long time ago,
but what you meant, i didn't yet know
at first you were, just a silly game,
i thought you'd always, stay the same
as i grew, you moved away,
but then i looked, and you came back that day
and so you stayed, for a little while,
making me laugh, making me smile
you had grown, changed like me,
but you were more, than i was ready to be
you had not left, more than a breath away,
when i was calling, for you to turn and stay
this time around, i thought it was real,
i was so sure, i knew how to feel
for a long time, you came and went,
leaving my heart, bruised and bent
i really thought, that i saw the real you,
but now i wonder, if that's true
all i know, is how long it's been,
since the last time, you were seen
i'm ready this time, to really know,
just as long as you promise, to take things slow
so hold my hand, and fill my heart,
and promise me, you won't rip it apart
you've been around, waiting for me to see,
just how much, you want me
so i'll take your hand, and trust in you,
and hope my heart, knows what's true

not too bad if i do say so myself. i kinda miss my days of mad poetry. it was a good release. i actually starting writing one about my mixed feelings towards you know who the other day. with the red sox winning and everything, i really wish we were at least talking. i really would like to have shared this with him, especially since the red sox is one of the things we both really loved. but whatever, he cut me out of his life and right now there's not a damn thing i can do about it. i know there's no use pining or whatever over someone who obviously doesn't give a damn about me, but i can't help it. im pathetic i know, but its my torch to carry any way i wish.

alright, alright, back to cleaning...
Current Mood: productiveproductive

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01:49 am - red sox!!!!
oh my god oh my god, the red sox are going to the WORLD SERIES!!! fuck you jeter and your boyfriend too!! who's your papi!!!

oh man were those riots intense... must sleep now...
Current Mood: crazycrazy

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October 19th, 2004

02:54 pm - catching up
i know it's been awhile since ive related my activities and thought processes, but a lots been going on. so on thurs night i went to dinner with jenna, christine, and co. michelle and i were on non speaking terms to the extreme. the way i figured it, we needed the weekend to cool down, take a break from eachother. jenna and i rented hocus pocus from the library, then me and kristal went swimming with joe and some of his friends while jenna did hw. after swimming, which was interesting by the way- remind me to buy a bathing suit that i wont fall out of for next time- kristal and i joined jenna for movie night. so the movie's almost over when michelle comes in in tears and says she cant find her shoe and she needs to go outside to call adam cuz her grandma died. now i just reacted and hugged her for awhile because its times like these that our shit doesnt really seem all that important. i looked her in the eyes and said im sorry and i knew that she knew i meant for everything, not just the death. from there we just got over our shit. its sad that her grandma died, but i thank her for reminding us, mostly me, how stupid and petty we were being.

so then i did one of the stupidest things ever and sent eric an im that was none too nice. i tried to cover it up by saying i didnt even remember sending it cuz i was drunk, but it didnt work. i fucked up and eric said he didnt want to date me anymore. it sucked for me cuz he was the 1st guy i had actually liked since chris. it was a big step for me and i sucks to get burned, but it happens. i guess im just not used to someone telling me no after just a few weeks. suprisingly, i found that it didnt realy hurt anyhting but my pride, unlike all my other confusing as hell entanglements, so life is still good. im still cute and there are plenty of other boys. he did have pretty green eyes, but the hair being on his back instead of his head wasnt exactly ideal. i like to think i have good taste, so he was cute, but you know...

this weekend i did a lot of thinking. and not just about eric. actually ive been doing a lot of thinking these past few weeks. i realized that there's still a lot going on in my head about chris. i should be over him, i know michelle, i know, but its not that simple. im worried about him. i need to know that he's ok. for my own piece of mind if not for his sake alone. i think i also need to say goodbye or something like it. the way it 'ended' makes me so angry. i need it to be on my terms. so i called him on sunday. no one was there or answered anyways, but i think im gonna get joe to bring him in to see me. he needs to know that i dont hate him, that wounds are somewhat healed. he's always been afraid to make me mad and being a coward was always easier to him. maybe we can finally talk about everything...

so the pats are kicking ass and so are the sox- keep the faith baby! hanging out here at school with my friends and watching the games has been so fun. no one rioted after the game sunday, but we did last night. it was wicked fun. all the adrenaline gives you quite the rush lol. tonight shall be a nice replay. i talked to matt mcc for the 1st time in awhile last night. hes such a good friend, i miss him a lot. he's having trouble with the girlfriend, i hope he can work things out for his own sake. hes such a sweetheart and doesnt deserve shit. hed walk thru fire for you in a heartbeat if needed. stupid girl doesnt know what she's got.

anyways it's way past my naptime and i eventually must get my french hw out of the way as to devote my entire attention to the game tonight... sox all the way baby!!
Current Mood: bouncybouncy

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October 13th, 2004

09:00 pm - sick of being me
so it has been an interesting 24 hours. last night didnt start off so well. i keep getting these mixed signals from eric and its making me pretty uneasy. im not very good at rejection as we all know and i just am getting this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. at least rob f. knows how to cheer me up, although it was a lil weird. im not used to him blatantly hitting on me. i mean when chris pulled his routine of ignoring me i started to think about rob again cuz he was so sweet. like he made me feel better, like it wasnt my fault chris was such an ass and stuff. but now with him no longer treating me with kid gloves, like the baby sister of rj or the lil cousin of ronnie that i am, its strange. i mean, its not bad, but i know that if i say or do something wrong then it has a lot of potential of biting me in the ass later with my family involved.

i watched the end of the game with steve and rob. it was a lot of fun. rob is wicked funny and a genuinely nice guy. when he walked in after his meeting and i was there he was like 'hey, how are you?' it was sweet. so we hung out for awhile. steve, being actually from boston, has a whole defeatest attitude that is rather entertaining. it was good times anyways.

after we ::tear:: lost, i came back up to the room. as soon as i took my away message off i had rob f, steve, and rob iming me at once. plus i was talkin to eric. i felt like such a pimp lol even if thats totally off the ever happening radar. in the end eric and i got into a conversation about sleeping over. he challenged me to sleep over and to prove him wrong, i said yes. so at 1:15 am im on my way to the dell, despite the fact that i have an 8 am exam...

so i get there and i cant find his house, so im walkin around. damn good thing he came to get me, i dont know how long i would have stood there confused. we just sat and talked for awhile, then attempted to sleep. but of course the whole sexual tension thing was there. so around 2:30 am i gave in and we made out for awhile. after things started getting a lil serious i knew i had to tell him the truth, so i dropped the whole bucket of water v word on him. he seemed to be ok with it, and he says he doesnt care even now, but i cant help but worry a bit, you know? perhaps i was wrong about him and he only wants sex, which of course i cant give him. its times like these that i really wish that sex wasnt such a big deal. that i had just randomly had sex with someone when i was in hs and gotten it over with. i mean, screw this whole sex is supposed to be special and mean something shit, its overrated. right? isnt that what all the cool kids are saying?? god damn it, why do i have to be me with all my overreactions, prenotions, and morals? i hate it. i wish i could just be like every other cute girl and sleep with whoever i want whenever i want. they have all the fun. i mean it feels like im the only one sometimes and that just sucks...

speaking of being the only one, im really beginning to hate my hall. its not their fault of course, its me and my issues. but still. i met kristal and jenna 1st, but now michelle is always in there. its like she took my friends from me, which is stupid i know, but just go with me to lisa land for a second. i need an escape from her sometimes, just like she needs them from me, but now shes in the places where id go to hide out. not fair! if it wasnt for steve's room for a temp hideout id go insane. i thought that maybe eric could offer that too but i dont think so anymore. now back to the subject, michelle has become the life of the fucking hall and i hate it. its like she has to be stupid and crazy all of the time, so everyone loves her. it makes me want to puke. its like stop being such a poser! she pretends with them, like shes happy around them all the time, and it drives me insane. so when she gets pissed, who hears it? me, that's who. ahhhh!!! speaking of the roomie, she fucking yelled at me today thus making me quite angry. who the hell does she think she is talking to me like that??? yell at adam all you want honey but dont you ever use that tone of voice on me again. i just wanted to punch her out. if it wasnt for the fact that she can easily level me as i am not as forceful as she is, i just might have. grrrrr....

so here i sit, angry at the world and just wanting to be home with my sammie. its a damn good thing that tomorrow is thursday...
Current Mood: angryangry

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October 11th, 2004

07:50 pm - sigh of relief
so its over. they're married and in hawaii for 2 glorious weeks. a huge weight has been lifted off all of our shoulders. the wedding was beautiful, i think that janet and i went thru a box of tissues ourselves. but all in all, it was a great day. not to mention how cute i looked... o:)

for once i dont really have a lot to say about anything. i mean, right now im just kinda happy with my life and relieved that i have nothing pressing on my mind. on the down side, my nights have lately been filled with the ghosts of boyfriends or crushes past. everyone from kyle to brian, to matt m and matt mcc have been flitting in and out. morin obviously has occupied a few of these entrances, which does suck, but nothing to cry over. they've all just been strange. kinda wish i could just sleep without them though. i like those nights the best.

tomorrow should be a good day. well it will be if bj's doesnt give me any hassle. i think the vcr part blew then we had that power surge this summer, but shhh we wont mention that part. they shall take back my player and give me a new one because i say so and that is how it shall be. anyways not only will we be harassing the bj's people, but we will be visiting barnes, walmart and old navy. ooh and then we will be hitting stop and shop for real food. then its naptime and dinner, plus the sox at 8. i cant wait! perhaps eric will actually invite me over or suggest we hang out together. that would be nice, but im not holding my breath. im not so sure if i want to chase him yet, but id much rather do a lil chasing of someone i do like than be chased by someone i have no interest in ::cough cough:: ... we shall see...
Current Mood: relievedrelieved

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